time

You can’t take it with you

Posted on Updated on

You cant take it with you - KellyLTaylor

It doesn’t really ever stop. It doesn’t go away. The hurt. The empty space.

And you never stop being a widow.

Even if after only a year you think you’re stuck (and wonder about the possibility that you may be holding him back from somewhere he’s supposed to move on to) and you push yourself to let go of some things and move forward. Even if you allow yourself to be manipulated by someone who says your grief is unhealthy and calls you “Courtney Love” and says you weren’t really a widow because you weren’t legally married in an attempt to dismantle your very identity and discount your experiences but at the same time convinces you he loves you and wants to be with you (despite his wife’s objections!) Even if you don’t talk about it, trying to avoid triggering this narcissistic new boyfriend who’s jealous of the dead guy. It’s all still there.

Even when three years goes by after you’ve eliminated the narcissist who tried his best to replace the dearest sweetest most brilliant person in the world and left you even more scarred and scared but in different ways, it’s still there. But now you’re free to express yourself without censorship.

Even when five years goes by, the shock of finding the dearest sweetest most brilliant person in the world hanging from a carefully constructed rope never leaves. It washes over you still sometimes in a giant wave that disrupts the current moment, makes you drop what you’re doing and work to wrap your head around it once again. The images don’t erase themselves. And you don’t want them to. In that image there is also incredible peace on his face. He was calm, his body relaxed. He stopped the hurt.

And you never stop being a widow.

 

Advertisements

Whoosh….

Posted on

Sometimes it still hits me. Like out of nowhere. I think of him, I feel him. My heart stops for a second. I remember he’s gone.

Five years later and still.

I wonder if that will ever stop. But I don’t really want it to.

419632_10150612359422104_783497065_n
Jeff Taylor, maker of wondrous things, May 2012

“It’s Only Time”

Posted on Updated on

warranty-kellyltaylor-detail
“Why would I stop loving you A hundred years from now? It’s only time It’s only time” –The Magnetic Fields

One day Jeff said, “This is gonna change your life!” and  he placed in my palm a small packet of golden watch hands.

He saw me struggle with time, how time taunted me, or rather, how I allowed it to taunt me. He helped me see how to disregard it, to just let things be. I was working on reconstructing time according to my own inclinations toward it, not how it’s typically imposed on us.

I realized that I’d been collecting old clocks. I’m drawn to them – the beauty of the design, the mystery of time that they hold. I wonder what was happening when the hands stopped moving on that particular timepiece.

These concepts of reality and time, you can construct them, stretch them, mold them, into what suits you. And when someone mentions “the real world” or thinks you’re not in it, they have no clue…

that dark dreadful something

Posted on Updated on

Sometimes you feel that dark dreadful something in your gut eating away at your insides, scratching to get out, threatening to scream…

Maybe it’s just Friday.

proceed - Kelly L. Taylor
oil on canvas (2012)

 

 

Seemingly Timeless Stretches

Posted on Updated on

still life with aligator headDETAIL - Kelly L Taylor copy

Do you ever get lost in the details, with the devil, just enjoying the view,

relishing the tiny bits that before somehow went unnoticed?

How did such wonder fail to beguile you before? A passage, a moment, a tiny arcane portion of something…

WarrantyGyroscopeDETAIL-KellyLTaylor

dollydetail-KellyLTaylor

AmanitaMuscariaDETAIL-KellyLTaylor

These are details from some of my paintings. An artist’s eye view. See where I get lost for seemingly timeless stretches.

greenabstractDETAIL-KellyLTaylor

My Thesis Work – Guilford College 2013-2014

Posted on Updated on

Miss Kitty and the Not So Cheerful Cherub - Kelly L. Taylor    The Nightmare - Kelly L Taylor     pinned moth - Kelly L Taylor

Luminous Pause - Kelly L Taylor        The Best of Intentions - Kelly L. Taylor

Conversations with Lilly - Kelly L Taylor               The Sad Comedy of Facade - Kelly L Taylor               The Brief Madness of Bliss - Kelly L Taylor

Conjuring the melancholy of past desires, embers long grown cold, abandoned objects ask me to paint them shadowed by the lives of the people who loved and left them. Embodying triumph and tragedy, the objects are all that’s left of those who have gone on. They haunt me, taunt me, remind me of what slipped through my hands by a rope thrown over a metal beam, pulled taut, constricting breath, a magnificent life no more. They are the last vestige of stories lost once voice is stilled. https://guilford.digication.com/kellytaylor/Thesis_Work/published